OPERATION: BIOHAZARD DOCUMENTATION
When competitive cycling meets public health crisis.
BREAKING: New AARBAA study reveals American roads have become the world's largest outdoor spittoon, courtesy of lycra-clad "athletes."
THE NUMBERS ARE DISGUSTING
847,392
Spit Incidents Per Week
2.3
Gallons Per Cyclist Per Mile
94%
Don't Even Look Before Spitting
6,234
Cars Hit Last Year
THE DISGUSTING TRUTH
It was a beautiful Saturday morning when our research team first witnessed what can only be described as a biological weapon deployment. A pack of 40+ cyclists crested a hill, and in what appeared to be synchronized choreography, began launching projectile saliva onto America's roadways with the frequency of a malfunctioning lawn sprinkler.
"I thought someone had opened a fire hydrant. Then I realized it was just 15 cyclists doing their 'thing.' My windshield looked like it had driven through a car wash... backwards."
— Janet Morrison, traumatized Honda Civic owner
RESEARCH METHODOLOGY
- 🔬 87 Trained Observers with Hazmat Certification
- 📹 234 High-Speed Cameras (12,000 fps capture rate)
- 🧪 Mobile Laboratory for Saliva Volume Analysis
- 🚗 3 Dedicated "Splash Zone" Monitoring Vehicles
- 📊 Advanced Trajectory Mapping Software
- 🧼 Industrial Cleaning Supplies (for researcher vehicles)
- 🤢 Unlimited Antacids (for observer morale)
PEAK SPITTING HOURS: A TIMELINE
6:00 AM - 8:00 AM
Activity Level: MODERATE
Morning warriors warming up their salivary glands. Estimated 127 spits per cyclist per hour. Coffee-enhanced mucus production noted.
8:00 AM - 11:00 AM
Activity Level: CRITICAL
PEAK HOURS. Advanced hydration techniques lead to unprecedented saliva volume. Researchers reported "fire hose-like trajectories."
11:00 AM - 2:00 PM
Activity Level: MODERATE-HIGH
Gel pack consumption increases viscosity. Spitting frequency decreases but projectile distance increases by 37%.
4:00 PM - 7:00 PM
Activity Level: EXTREMELY CRITICAL
Evening pelotons combined with rush hour traffic creates "perfect storm." Maximum commuter exposure documented.
SPIT TRAJECTORY ANALYSIS
Our advanced ballistics team discovered that 94% of cyclists employ what we've termed the "Sideways Shotgun Approach"—a technique that maximizes road coverage while showing complete disregard for nearby vehicles, pedestrians, or basic human decency.
CASE STUDY: THE CONVERTIBLE INCIDENT
On March 23rd, 2025, a cyclist traveling at approximately 18 mph executed a Category 5 expectoration event that traveled 23 feet laterally, striking a convertible BMW with the top down.
Damages: $847 professional detailing, $2,400 therapy sessions for driver, priceless loss of faith in humanity.
Cyclist Response: "Share the road, dude."
REGIONAL SPITTING VARIATIONS
| Region | Avg. Spits/Mile | Dominant Style | Danger Level |
|---|---|---|---|
| Pacific Northwest | 847 | Artisanal, Locally-Sourced Spitting | EXTREME |
| Colorado | 1,043 | High-Altitude Power Spitting | CRITICAL |
| California | 1,256 | Influencer-Style Group Spitting | CATASTROPHIC |
| Texas | 623 | Everything's Bigger (Including Spit) | HIGH |
| New England | 934 | Academic Dissertation on Why Spitting is Actually Good | SEVERE |
| Florida | 412 | Year-Round Hydrated Chaos | MODERATE |
THE HYDRATION PARADOX
Here's the irony that makes our collective eye twitch: cyclists are obsessed with hydration. They carry enough water bottles to supply a small village. They have CamelBaks that could double as aquariums. They lecture everyone about "proper electrolyte balance."
Yet apparently, ALL of that carefully curated hydration must be immediately expelled onto public roadways at high velocity. We've calculated that the average cyclist consumes 24 ounces of water per hour while simultaneously expelling what appears to be 47 ounces of saliva. Where is it coming from?!
THE SPIT CALCULATOR
Based on AARBAA's 6-month longitudinal study of 2,847 cyclists
WITNESS TESTIMONIALS
"I was walking my dog when a cyclist zoomed past and spit directly onto my shoe. My DOG looked offended. When dogs are judging your behavior, you know you've crossed a line."
— Karen T., Dog Owner & Human Being
"I've seen Marine Corps boot camp. I've seen college frat parties. Nothing prepared me for the sheer volume of saliva a 50-person cycling group can produce on a Sunday morning."
— Robert M., Veteran & Shocked Observer
"My 6-year-old asked me why that man in tight clothes was spitting everywhere. I had no good answer. How do you explain entitled behavior to a child?"
— Michelle S., Parent at a Loss for Words
"I'm a cyclist AND I think this is disgusting. Not all of us are spitting machines. Some of us have basic manners and swallow like civilized humans."
— Tom R., Cyclist With Common Decency
THE EXCUSES WE'VE HEARD
"It's part of the sport!"
So is wearing tight clothes, but that doesn't make it appropriate for every situation. Baseball players spit too, but they do it in a STADIUM, not on public roads.
"We need to clear our airways!"
Cool story. Joggers manage to exercise without turning sidewalks into slip-n-slides. Maybe try swallowing? Revolutionary concept, we know.
"It's biodegradable!"
So is dog poop, but we still have laws about leaving it on the sidewalk. Your saliva isn't doing Mother Nature any favors.
"Nobody's forcing you to watch!"
Hard to avoid when your projectile crosses three lanes of traffic and lands on my windshield, Gary.
OUR DEMANDS
AARBAA's Official Anti-Spitting Platform:
- Designated Spitting Zones: If cyclists MUST spit, let's give them their own infrastructure where they can expectorate to their heart's content without assaulting innocent bystanders.
- Mandatory Spit Guards: Technology exists. Let's use it. Some kind of collection system attached to the bike frame. We've put a man on the moon, surely we can solve the spit problem.
- Public Awareness Campaign: "JUST SWALLOW IT" billboards along popular cycling routes.
- Fines for Aggressive Spitting: If your spit travels more than 10 feet or strikes a vehicle/pedestrian, that's a $500 fine. Second offense? Mandatory hydration management classes.
- Education Programs: Teaching basic concepts like "wind direction awareness" and "maybe don't do that near other humans."
CONCLUSION
Look, we get it. Exercise is hard. Breathing is difficult when you're pushing yourself. Saliva happens. But here's the thing: the rest of us manage to exercise without turning public spaces into our personal spittoons.
Runners swallow. Hikers swallow. Even those intense CrossFit people who do burpees until they see God somehow manage to keep their bodily fluids to themselves. The bar is literally on the ground, and cyclists keep spitting on it.
We're not asking for miracles. We're asking for basic human decency. Save the spitting for your own driveway, your private cycling routes, or literally anywhere that isn't shared public space. Is that really too much to ask?
*All statistics are based on AARBAA's comprehensive field research and may have been slightly exaggerated for dramatic effect. But also... not really. We've seen things. Wet, disturbing things.