OPERATION DOCUMENTATION: PHASE ONE
When citizen journalism meets traffic violation accountability.
CLASSIFIED: The following report contains data so shocking that cyclist advocacy groups have attempted to suppress its publication.
THE NUMBERS THAT SHOCKED A NATION
1,247
Red Lights Run
892
Stop Signs Ignored
3,456
Lane Violations
567
Near Misses
THE SURVEILLANCE OPERATION
Armed with nothing but determination, 47 HD cameras, 23 volunteers, and an unhealthy amount of caffeine, AARBAA conducted the most comprehensive cyclist behavior study in American history. Our command center, affectionately dubbed "The War Room," operated 24/7 for 72 consecutive hours across 15 major intersections.
METHODOLOGY BREAKDOWN
- 🎥 47 High-Definition Cameras with Night Vision
- 📊 Custom AI-Powered Violation Detection Software
- 👥 23 Trained Observers Working in Shifts
- 📍 15 Strategic Intersection Monitoring Points
- ⏱️ 72 Hours of Continuous Surveillance
- ☕ 847 Cups of Coffee Consumed
"In 72 hours, we documented more traffic violations than the local police department records in a month. The difference? We were actually looking."
SHOCKING DISCOVERIES BY TIME OF DAY
Morning Rush (6-9 AM)
Peak Chaos Hours
- 437 red lights run "because I'm late for work"
- 89% of cyclists rode against traffic at least once
- Average speed through stop signs: 18 mph
- Coffee cups spotted in water bottle holders: 67
Weekend Warriors (Sat-Sun)
Peloton Pandemonium
- Average group size: 14 cyclists
- Maximum simultaneous lane blockage: 4 lanes
- Times "STRAVA!" was shouted: 234
- Matching outfit coordination score: 94%
THE SPANDEX SPECTRUM ANALYSIS
Violation Rate by Cyclist Category
MOST CREATIVE EXCUSES DOCUMENTED
- "Red lights don't apply when you're maintaining cadence"
- "I'm saving the environment, so rules don't apply"
- "Cars should thank me for not driving"
- "Stop signs are just suggestions for bikes"
- "I have right of way because I'm more vulnerable"
- "Traffic laws were written before bikes existed"
- "My Strava segment time is more important than your schedule"
- "I pay taxes too" (Note: Road tax ≠ Income tax)
- "In Amsterdam, this would be legal"
- "My coach said never stop pedaling"
PHASE TWO: THE ACCOUNTABILITY PROJECT
Following the overwhelming success of The Great Spandex Census, AARBAA is launching Phase Two of our documentation initiative:
National Database
Creating a searchable database of cyclist violations accessible to law enforcement.
Mobile App
Report cyclist violations in real-time with our upcoming AARBAA Spotter app.
Reward Program
Earn points for documenting violations. Redeem for AARBAA merchandise!
THE HALL OF SHAME
Notable Violations Captured
- 🏆 Gold Medal: Cyclist who ran 17 consecutive red lights while livestreaming
- 🥈 Silver Medal: Group ride that blocked an ambulance for 3 minutes
- 🥉 Bronze Medal: Individual who argued with police that "bikes don't need to stop"
Disclaimer: All data collected through legal means in public spaces. No cyclists were directly confronted during surveillance operations, though many were silently judged.